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rushthatspeaksI am in Ohio. Bleah. I have convinced my father's computer to connect to LJ. This is definitely the last Internet I get till after Japan, though. J-chan, I shall call you tomorrow, after I have looked up the exact time difference.
So. On one of my favorite subjects: I've noticed that people tend to range all over the spectrum on libido, and I've noticed that women tend to be more open to same-gender stuff than men are. About the second, I honestly have nothing to say. Observation indicates that it is so, but I gave up on theorizing about why some time ago, because the question I was trying to answer was not 'Why does it appear that more women sleep with one another?' but 'Why does it appear that so few men sleep with one another?', and I do not know enough about men to answer that.
However, some commentary on lesbian bed death, and how I think it fits into the scheme of things: I think that less frequent sex after a relationship has been going a while is something that happens to couples of any orientation, and that the term 'lesbian bed death' was probably invented by the sort of scientist who has a deep and possibly unconscious desire to prove that two women can't really make a long-term go of it. I also think it may have had something to do with the come-out-in-pairs-and-cling phenomenon that was so common in the lesbian community until about two decades ago. If you are lesbian and you only know one other lesbian in the whole universe and are terrified of anyone finding you out, you will cling to the person you know whether or not you love and desire them, and you will keep your relationship at all costs. Apparently, though it was before my time, there was something of a sociological shift in the late '80s that led to, as Pat Califia put it, 'the first generation of queer women who could really be sluts if they wanted to'. The womens' scene has never gotten as wild as the mens', but I've heard some rather impressive stories...
Anyhoo. I completely agree that for a long-term relationship it is good to find a person who shares approximately one's own level of libido. This is one reason Ruth and I are so good together; we are both appallingly sex-obsessed. However. I have also always been strongly in favor of non-monogamy, both casual and non-casual-- on the non-casual level because one can fall madly, passionately, and desperately in love with more than one person at once, and casually because, personally, my libido works that way. I've often thought that my pattern of attraction is more stereotypically male than female; I have this definite division line between sex as on the one hand an emotional thing, a sacred thing, a communication between people in love, and on the other hand sex as a friendly physical thing that can be fun. When I'm first getting to know people, in the phase before I really start feeling that they're close friends, I almost always go through a stage, ranging from an afternoon to a month's duration, of wanting to have sex with them. Friendly. To see what it would be like. And then, as we become closer in other ways, it wears off; if it doesn't, it means I've fallen in love and it never will wear off as long as I know the person. I try to keep it to myself when I'm in my random-crush phase, as I am often around people it would freak and as, if I acted on it consistently, I would turn into one heck of a slut. But it's there, and it's not like I never act on it, either. It's just how I work; I was not built monogamous. I know a lot of people who aren't built monogamous. It doesn't seem to have a durn thing to do with size of libido.
My two cents complete, I think. Catch you all much later, when I shall probably post excerpts from my Japan travel journal.
So. On one of my favorite subjects: I've noticed that people tend to range all over the spectrum on libido, and I've noticed that women tend to be more open to same-gender stuff than men are. About the second, I honestly have nothing to say. Observation indicates that it is so, but I gave up on theorizing about why some time ago, because the question I was trying to answer was not 'Why does it appear that more women sleep with one another?' but 'Why does it appear that so few men sleep with one another?', and I do not know enough about men to answer that.
However, some commentary on lesbian bed death, and how I think it fits into the scheme of things: I think that less frequent sex after a relationship has been going a while is something that happens to couples of any orientation, and that the term 'lesbian bed death' was probably invented by the sort of scientist who has a deep and possibly unconscious desire to prove that two women can't really make a long-term go of it. I also think it may have had something to do with the come-out-in-pairs-and-cling phenomenon that was so common in the lesbian community until about two decades ago. If you are lesbian and you only know one other lesbian in the whole universe and are terrified of anyone finding you out, you will cling to the person you know whether or not you love and desire them, and you will keep your relationship at all costs. Apparently, though it was before my time, there was something of a sociological shift in the late '80s that led to, as Pat Califia put it, 'the first generation of queer women who could really be sluts if they wanted to'. The womens' scene has never gotten as wild as the mens', but I've heard some rather impressive stories...
Anyhoo. I completely agree that for a long-term relationship it is good to find a person who shares approximately one's own level of libido. This is one reason Ruth and I are so good together; we are both appallingly sex-obsessed. However. I have also always been strongly in favor of non-monogamy, both casual and non-casual-- on the non-casual level because one can fall madly, passionately, and desperately in love with more than one person at once, and casually because, personally, my libido works that way. I've often thought that my pattern of attraction is more stereotypically male than female; I have this definite division line between sex as on the one hand an emotional thing, a sacred thing, a communication between people in love, and on the other hand sex as a friendly physical thing that can be fun. When I'm first getting to know people, in the phase before I really start feeling that they're close friends, I almost always go through a stage, ranging from an afternoon to a month's duration, of wanting to have sex with them. Friendly. To see what it would be like. And then, as we become closer in other ways, it wears off; if it doesn't, it means I've fallen in love and it never will wear off as long as I know the person. I try to keep it to myself when I'm in my random-crush phase, as I am often around people it would freak and as, if I acted on it consistently, I would turn into one heck of a slut. But it's there, and it's not like I never act on it, either. It's just how I work; I was not built monogamous. I know a lot of people who aren't built monogamous. It doesn't seem to have a durn thing to do with size of libido.
My two cents complete, I think. Catch you all much later, when I shall probably post excerpts from my Japan travel journal.
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Date: 2003-05-08 08:33 pm (UTC)about lesbian bed death: yes, I too believe it was constructed in part to invalidate lesbian relationships. see here (http://www.gayhealth.com/templates/98381775450656127929600001/sex?record=75) for an interesting article on the subject.
hope you have a great time in Japan!