how T is going

[rushthatspeaks]

My life in general: not great, better than it was, hope for further improvement. Have now had two shots of testosterone, which is also going okay. Details below.

A thing the doctor told me when I went in to get the prescription: apparently, my testosterone levels were already firmly in normal male. This doesn't surprise me at all, actually; my theory, though it is not easily testable, is that throughout my life I have not noticed the usual hormonal effects of high testosterone because I am provably hypersensitive to estrogen and progesterone, and the effects of those masked the other one. This also explains several things which I had not necessarily known required explanation, but those things tend to reassure me about the probable overall effects-- for example, I overheat at the drop of a hat, and it turns out this is a classic AMAB thing? As in, the reason female-hormoned people are always complaining about how freezing hotels and office buildings are is because the usual temperature for said buildings tends to be default-set to male normal, which is colder. I had been worrying about T blowing my heat tolerance, a serious worry because my heat tolerance is already so bad, but it turns out T has been doing that for my entire life already, so it shouldn't become more of an issue. I had also worried about face and neck acne, and yeah, I just already have that, since puberty.

So there are ways in which it's even harder for me to tell what the effects are of my shots than I was expecting, because the question of what my high testosterone levels were already doing is open. Generally, it takes months and months for serious effects, but some people do report major changes almost immediately, and I have been keeping an open mind. I give myself a shot every two weeks, and have now had two.

There are a few things that might be hormonal. The menstrual period I had in this timespan was the least horrific in years. I spent fewer than twenty-four hours in bed and only had one menstrual migraine. In general, I think I am getting fewer migraines, and I think they are less bad, although not by very much. Volume lowered a couple of notches. I think I have more physical energy, too. But all of this could certainly be because of lowered stress levels, which has also been very true of this past month. I'd still call myself pretty stressed, but I was in crisis for months beforehand.

I am, therefore, experiencing precisely one side-effect that I am certain is the T, and it is the single weirdest side-effect I can imagine for testosterone, although not in a bad way.

See, one of the things everyone told me was that going on T would make my dysphoria better. And I have been very skeptical about that, because as far as I can tell, my chest dysphoria is, in itself, kind of weird.

Like, I have no qualms at all about appearance-related anything, chest dysphoria-wise. I do not have the social 'having visible breasts bothers me' part, and I am really glad I don't. I have a deep feeling of physical wrongness, which tracks with what I've heard other people mention. But the major thing about my top dysphoria is simply that my proprioception doesn't believe I have breasts.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the nerves there, or anything. Perfectly functional and as far as I can tell standard. What I mean is that they are so absent from my self-image that I forget they are there, and it's been twenty-nine years at this point.

I know it isn't dissociation, because I do feel all the sensory stuff, without lag. I know the difference because I used to be so dissociated that I got nasty foot issues from being unable to feel my shoes not fitting correctly, and I went through the process of getting that input back (which it is, no issues nowadays).

The best way I have to explain the proprioception situation is to ask you to imagine that suddenly, you can feel, sensorily, and also control a friend's hand. Which is not attached to your body in any way, and patently not yours. And everyone's reaction to this is to explain to you that it really is your hand, actually, despite the fact that although you can feel it and control it you can literally see that it is joined on to somebody else's wrist. Then they all become confused when you get upset.

I could, prior to this month, have taken a Sharpie and drawn a line horizontally about an inch below my collarbone, another horizontally where bra bands traditionally fall, and two vertical lines along the near-to-chest edge of my armpits. Anything inside that line was somebody else's damn hand. Wrangling my top dysphoria has been the process of attempting to ignore that feeling, which gets harder and harder over time. I purposefully get as little sensory input to that area as possible, which is why I present, honestly, as 'hi, here are my tits', because my necklines are as close to the waist as I can socially make them. Air bothers me, though. Sweat. Like an itch that can't be scratched. I have never been able to wear a binder because then I would be feeling something from them all the time, which is a terrible experience.

As of two shots of T, the position of the line has changed. If I draw it now, it would be a further two inches below my collarbone, and, though the lower line hasn't changed, there's an area between my breasts, extending both up and down from the lines but not quite meeting in the center, which is now suddenly Okay, This Is Me. And the side lines have moved from armpit rim to what I would consider side of breast. The shape of the enclosed area went from a rectangle to a not-quite-pinched-shut figure 8.

I have done absolutely nothing other than the hormone shots that could have caused this. I didn't even know this was a thing that could be rewired chemically.

Soooooo if this keeps up then what T will wind up doing for me... is make me not need top surgery. Because if everything that's actually attached to me starts feeling as though it's attached to me, then I'm good.

Which is the single most ridiculously paradoxical side-effect for testosterone that I can think of, honestly.

Of course, it may not go that route; the change may stop here, or even reverse; no one has any idea. But at the moment, I am deeply amused by the entire concept.

And I haven't noticed any negative side-effects yet, so that's good, overall, I'd say.

Comments

[sovay]

Which is the single most ridiculously paradoxical side-effect for testosterone that I can think of, honestly.

I think that's delightful. I hope it keeps up. You feeling literally like yourself seems like a good side effect to me.

[crystalpyramid]

This is really cool and interesting! I'm glad things are going so well for you.

[mrissa]

That is amazing, friend.

[redbird]

Thanks for the update.

Yes, that is a weird/unusual effect of T, but it's good that your effect that nobody mentioned as possible is good/desirable.

[coffeeandink]

I'm glad it's going well, if in unexpected ways!

[oracne]

It may be odd, but it's really interesting!!! Glad the T is being helpful.

[niqaeli]

That is weird and amazing, and I have to admit I would also be quite amused at the possibility of testosterone rendering top-surgery unnecessary in this way. Bodies are so weird.

Glad you've experienced no negative side-effects yet.

[gwynnega]

That is really neat.

[lokifan]

That's so weird! But kind of hilarious.

It's interesting what you say about your breasts not being part of your self-concept! Your description reminds me very much of something I read about people feeling that way about various body parts, some of whom wanted them removed; when they had brain scans done, their brains reacted like the body parts didn't belong to them (like, they felt the physical sensation of being touched, but when they looked at the body part their brains didn't light up in the 'ah that's me' sense). I hope the T keeps helping with that, or that you can get top surgery relatively easily/cheaply!

[lightgetsin]

Oh, huh, there's a term for what you are describing, if you want one. Body Integrity Identity Disorder. NB: I advise caution in googling this. You will find 50% disturbing stories of people self-amputating parts of their body they can't integrate as part of themselves, 45% people saying ableist stuff about this, and 5% interesting information. I wrote extensively about this in law school as it raises all sorts of issues of identity, self-determination, medical ethics, disability fetishization, etc. etc. It was for several decades spoken about in the literature in the same breath as transgender desires, and pathologized similarly. At some point in the past few decades, a few people seem to have argued strenuously that the two had nothing to do with each other, which I have no ground to judge either way, but the result seems to be a reduction in pathologizing transgender identity and no reduction in pathologizing body integrity issues.

Anyway, yes, that's the weirdest side-effect I've ever heard of.

[nineweaving]

I feel that Oliver Sacks would have understood this, and talked wisely with you. I hope you will go on feeling more and more like yourself.

Nine

[landingtree]

I'm very glad your stress levels are down enough to be a confounding factor. And what an interesting/ironic/surprising thing for T to do! Here's to that continuing.

[kaberett]

(I see you!)

[watervole]

Here via Sovay.

I hope you won't feel offended if I make a suggestion about something you may have already considered and rejected for your own reasons.

I used to have horrendous problems with menstruation - the solution that worked for me (after trying all kinds of things) and gave me back my life again, was to have a Mirena coil fitted. Over six months, my periods gradually faded away to nothing. I regained four days each month that I had been losing to exhaustion.
My only regret was that I hadn't done it a decade previously.

At the age I am now, I am well past menopause, but the Mirena was a life-saver to me, and I believe they are still available.

[rushthatspeaks]

I'm not offended at all, and thank you for commenting!

Unfortunately, this is where my hypersensitivity to estrogen and progesterone kicks in. Even the lowest dose of birth control taken by mouth causes me to lose my short-term/medium-term memory, to the point where I could not locate my own dorm room after three days on the pill in college. The kind of IUD that slowly releases hormones would be giving me an unpredictably sized dose at unpredictable intervals, which sounds like a recipe for badness to me, and the kind that doesn't release any hormones I was told might not do anything at all (besides preventing pregnancy). After the pill was such a catastrophe-- I wound up having to take medical leave for the rest of that semester-- I am Extremely Leery of things involving actual progesterone and estrogen, and would need a pretty substantial assurance of success to be willing to futz with them. I asked whether testosterone would cause me these troubles, and was assured that it's a totally different chemical with totally different pathways. So far, no issues.

[watervole]

Because the Mirena is internal to the uterus, it releases a smaller dose than an oral contraceptive (2/3). And it's slow and steady rather than peaks and troughs like a pill. Hence the side effects might be reduced.

However, the problem of side effects with a device that needs a doctor to remove it should you have problems...

I can see why you choose to avoid that risk when you had such terrible side effects.