consider this subject line a pre-emptive apology

[rushthatspeaks]

It was pointed out to me fairly recently on Tumblr that Hamlet takes place at Christmastime, and the poster was consequently bemoaning the lack of Ugly Christmas Sweater stagings of Hamlet.

I started thinking it over, and wow, it just about writes itself. I mean, Claudius and Gertrude have truly horrific sweaters that are part of a set, and they have one for Hamlet in their first scene, which he refuses to wear-- I'm picturing sweaters here with, in giant letters, KING SANTA CLAUS, QUEEN MRS. SANTA CLAUS, and PRINCE ELF. Hamlet won't even take it out of the box, he just drops the whole thing on the floor once he sees inside.

Then of course Ophelia is knitting a sweater for Hamlet (she never finishes it; the Sweater Curse is real), and he won't try it on or let her measure for it because it looks too much like the parental ones, i.e. it is also red, green, white, and festive. She's already knit one for Polonius, which was her first-ever finished wearable garment, and it's really bad, she blushes every time she sees it because the mistakes are now so obvious to her. It objectively looks terrible on him, but she can't pry it out of his hands. The one she made for Laertes fixed all her previous mistakes and should inspire, when he comes on stage, the reaction of 'how in the hell does he make that Christmas sweater look that classy?'.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern match too. Theirs are the kind which have literal twinkly Christmas lights in them. Theoretically they are wearing them ironically, but no one actually believes that. Again, they brought one for Hamlet, but he refuses to twinkle.

For the play-within-a-play, Hamlet turns up wearing an unthinkably Goth Christmas sweater in black, white, and grey, the kind which has skeletal reindeer and Santa Cthulhu and a really unnerving font. Nobody knows where he got it. (He inherited it from Yorick.)

When Fortinbras comes on, he is wearing a Chanukah sweater.

Comments

[conuly]

...I don't know why, but I have an urgent need to see this now.

[rushthatspeaks]

I would pay a significant amount of money for tickets to this Hamlet.

[larryhammer]

So. Would. I.

[moon_custafer]

What about Horatio?

[rushthatspeaks]

Horatio is not the Christmas sweater type. He wears Christmas-y colors at the right time of year, and on holiday state occasions (literal state occasions) will briefly don a Santa hat.

He has so much second-hand embarrassment for basically everyone in a sweater. Oh, so very much.

[hobbitbabe]

I want to write this and produce it now.

Of course, I have a huge queue of theatrical project ambitions and no funding ...

[ladymondegreen]

I suspect there is also awkward stage business with Hamlet and Ophelia and mistletoe.

[msilverstar]

This This. This! This!!!

I like your ideas and wish to subscribe to your mailing list.

[lokifan]

LMAO YES AMAZING