Our protagonist is in the locker room on the first day of gym class. The Villainous Guy Who Likes The Girl has just asked him how he manages to masturbate. The dazzling inappropriateness of this goes unremarked by everyone.
"All I'll say on the subject?
It does present its challenges.
Life is full of challenges, made more difficult when a person does something stupid, like blowing off his own hands.
Guys our age also fantasize all the time about being with girls. Unless of course we fantasize about being with other boys, but I'm not part of that second we, no offense to anyone who is.
Actually, I've been fantasizing about girls for pretty much as long as I can remember. But I always knew it was fantasy, with no basis in reality. I mean, it's not as if I was ever what you'd call a real popular guy in my old school, not even before I blew my own hands off. [SEE HOW HE HAS TO SAY THAT EVERY OTHER PARAGRAPH?]
Hell, I've never even kissed a girl.
But I have had my crushes and my fantasies. I have had those. And I even used to dream that one day fantasy would become reality. But how is that possible now? [NOW THAT YOU'VE BLOWN YOUR OWN HANDS OFF WE GET IT OK]
I've tried to imagine what that would be like now if it ever did finally happen: being with a girl-- you know, really being with her. How would I touch her the way a guy is supposed to? [Marginalia from book's previous owner: ... with a penis?]
Even the most basic things are mind-boggling. For example, I know everyone's supposed to use condoms these days. It's the thing to do unless you're-- oh, I don't know-- older and trying to make a baby. [Marginalia and my brain in unison: OR PERFORMING CUNNILINGUS.] In fact, I'm pretty sure it was the thing to do even back in my parent's day-- you know, that despite smoker's lounges, walking to school in the snow, free gas, and people liking you if you "just be yourself," condoms were the way to go. [There are so many things wrong with this sentence I don't even.] But how would the logistics of such a thing work?
Believe me, I have given this a lot of thought. And all I can think is, either I'd poke a hole in the condom with my hook or I'd be so nervous and excited and eager, I'd accidentally cut off my own penis with my pincers while trying to roll the condom on.
Yes, for some lucky girl I will be a real prize..." [Marginalia: Clearly he needs to date Rogue.]
And then he rambles on for four more paragraphs of Angst before answering the evil guy's totally inappropriate question.
The thing about this book is, you could write a good YA about this. It is reasonable for a person in this situation to have sexual worries, no matter how good he is with his prosthetics. It's just that he's as dumb as a box of rocks about it and therefore it is totally impossible to work up any sympathy at all. Instead, there is only incredulity, wincing, and CAPS-LOCK OF DOOM.
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timeasmymeasure
... all right. You asked for it.
Date: 2010-10-30 10:39 pm (UTC)"All I'll say on the subject?
It does present its challenges.
Life is full of challenges, made more difficult when a person does something stupid, like blowing off his own hands.
Guys our age also fantasize all the time about being with girls. Unless of course we fantasize about being with other boys, but I'm not part of that second we, no offense to anyone who is.
Actually, I've been fantasizing about girls for pretty much as long as I can remember. But I always knew it was fantasy, with no basis in reality. I mean, it's not as if I was ever what you'd call a real popular guy in my old school, not even before I blew my own hands off. [SEE HOW HE HAS TO SAY THAT EVERY OTHER PARAGRAPH?]
Hell, I've never even kissed a girl.
But I have had my crushes and my fantasies. I have had those. And I even used to dream that one day fantasy would become reality. But how is that possible now? [NOW THAT YOU'VE BLOWN YOUR OWN HANDS OFF WE GET IT OK]
I've tried to imagine what that would be like now if it ever did finally happen: being with a girl-- you know, really being with her. How would I touch her the way a guy is supposed to? [Marginalia from book's previous owner: ... with a penis?]
Even the most basic things are mind-boggling. For example, I know everyone's supposed to use condoms these days. It's the thing to do unless you're-- oh, I don't know-- older and trying to make a baby. [Marginalia and my brain in unison: OR PERFORMING CUNNILINGUS.] In fact, I'm pretty sure it was the thing to do even back in my parent's day-- you know, that despite smoker's lounges, walking to school in the snow, free gas, and people liking you if you "just be yourself," condoms were the way to go. [There are so many things wrong with this sentence I don't even.] But how would the logistics of such a thing work?
Believe me, I have given this a lot of thought. And all I can think is, either I'd poke a hole in the condom with my hook or I'd be so nervous and excited and eager, I'd accidentally cut off my own penis with my pincers while trying to roll the condom on.
Yes, for some lucky girl I will be a real prize..." [Marginalia: Clearly he needs to date Rogue.]
And then he rambles on for four more paragraphs of Angst before answering the evil guy's totally inappropriate question.
The thing about this book is, you could write a good YA about this. It is reasonable for a person in this situation to have sexual worries, no matter how good he is with his prosthetics. It's just that he's as dumb as a box of rocks about it and therefore it is totally impossible to work up any sympathy at all. Instead, there is only incredulity, wincing, and CAPS-LOCK OF DOOM.